


A Man of Science

by DarkJediQueen, WestCoastSeabee



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Catholic, Gen, Life Changing Decisions, retreat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 03:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20650448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkJediQueen/pseuds/DarkJediQueen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WestCoastSeabee/pseuds/WestCoastSeabee
Summary: Spencer Reid is tired. After everything that has happened to him thus far, he needs a break. When a case takes the BAU team to the Blue Ridge Mountains, is it possible that Spencer will find the refuge that he needs?





	A Man of Science

**Author's Note:**

> I know I am BEYOND late in posting this. However, better late than never? My excuse, I like to think is a good one even if I can't say it here.  
A special thank you to DarkJediQueen for producing the amazing artwork to go along with this story as part of the CMBB. I am also beyond grateful for the patience in my late posting!  
This story also could not have been done without my amazing beta, KnightBlade.  
Thank you both so much!

Spencer loved routines in general. In particular, he loved his weekend routine. Every weekend that the team was home was treated the same way: Saturdays would start with a lazy morning in bed catching up on reading the newspaper and maybe a book while curled up in bed with a pot of coffee at his elbow. Once finished, he would do a quick cleaning of his apartment and make a list of groceries and other goods that were needed for the week. A fast trip to the local market and any other errands along the way and he was home again to prepare meals for the week. Most of his cooking would be portioned and frozen, to be taken to the office to thaw in the refrigerator there before being reheated at lunch. The remaining would serve him for the next few days unless a case arose. By this time, it would be early evening and he would make his way to yoga class and maybe a movie if he was feeling adventurous. Regardless, the day would end with him again curled up with a book or puzzle in his apartment. 

Sundays were another day of quiet and peace. He would wake early, go for a quick jog and then make his way to Triangle, VA where he would slide into the back pew at St. Francis of Assisi parish just in time for the 7:30 AM mass. Well before 9 AM he would find himself sitting down at his favorite diner to get coffee and a hearty breakfast. Appetite sated, he would spend the day indulging in small ways. If the weather was nice, he would wander around a park, perhaps play a pick-up game of chess. If the weather was not conducive to outdoor activities, he would head into DC to visit the museums. On days when none of that sounded appealing, he would call up one of his friends and put himself at their mercy for plans. More often than not it was JJ resulting in an afternoon playing with his godsons.

His life was simple but fulfilling. Well, it was usually fulfilling. Lately, he had been feeling restless. He kept telling himself that he needed to give himself some more time. The past few years had been a rollercoaster of emotions and events. After the past year had included spending several months in prison for being framed, his mother’s rapid descent into dementia followed by her passing away unexpectedly, and then the changes to the team with Emily stepping in as Unit Chief and Hotch saying farewell for good. Spencer was having a lot of doubts. In particular, he wondered if he was truly where he needed and wanted to be. He had come to the FBI young and naive, hellbent on changing the world and making it a better place through profiling. In the last 15+ years, he had found himself surrounded by the worst of humanity on an almost continuous basis.

Even though he would not admit it to the team, he was grateful for the required breaks that were part of his agreement to be reinstated in the BAU. The time off gave him the opportunity to immerse himself in the beauty of the world and the best of humanity. He found that when he returned he was revitalized in a way that was unexpected. Sadly, that enthusiasm didn’t last long, between the horrific pictures and case files that were indelibly etched into his memory to the constant mocking and attitudes of his teammates, he soon found himself aching for the simple pleasures of his time away from work. 

When the call came while he was enjoying a cup of coffee after finishing his Sunday breakfast, Spencer answered with more resignation than he had intended. A brusque, ‘We are meeting at the office to brief. The case is close enough to drive but not local,’ had him reluctantly leaving the diner to head out of Q-town and towards the office on the other side of Quantico. 

Faster than he wanted, he was sliding into his usual seat at the round table. He picked up the file that was laying on top of his tablet, grateful that Garcia was still willing to print the information in addition to giving him the tablet. It wasn’t that he feared or couldn’t use the devices, he just could read faster and with better comprehension when he was reading from paper. He used the tablet out of necessity though as they also provided an easy means of communication back to Garcia when in the field. 

The file that he opened had photos of the 6 people that had already been killed. At first glance, nothing seemed to connect the victims. Different ages, genders, races, they spanned the spectrum. They were all found in different locations with no obvious sign of foul play. JJ spoke up first, “Why did we get called in? None of these deaths look related. I mean one of them was an obvious car crash after the victim left a bar. Drunk driving is not a reason to call the FBI.”

“You are right, JJ,” Emily said as she breezed into the room, cutting off whatever Garcia had been about to respond to the inquiry. “At the autopsy, all of these victims were found to have a particular and not well known poison in their systems.”

“Poison? Well, there are lots of reasons that people turn to poison: jealousy, revenge, sadism, conviction, boredom, ego, and obstacle removal,” Spencer started. “Did you know that despite society portraying women as more likely to use poison, the vast majority of convicted homicidal poisoners are actually men? Also, what is interesting is that most poisoners don’t cross racial boundaries and they tend to skew 5-10 years younger than their victims. This UNSUB is all over the map in regards to race and age.”

“Agreed, this UNSUB is certainly not sticking to a particular victim. How were the cases linked?” Tara asked when Spencer paused.

Garcia took the moment to step up and begin flipping through the crime scene photos. “Because all of the victims were found to have been heavily dosed with hemlock. After 5 deaths by hemlock poisoning in under 2 weeks the Clarke County Sheriff’s office gave us a call. Shortly after contacting us, my search pinged a suspicious death in nearby Martinsburg, West Virginia. The victim was killed by hemlock within the same two week period.”

“Luke looked up from his tablet where he had been following along, “Have there been any other cases since then? It looks like the last death was 2 days ago.”

“No, thankfully. No new cases reported. Though I do still have my wide search net set up to see if anything pings anywhere else,” Garcia said shaking her head.

“Ok then, wheels up in 15. We will be working out of the Berryville, Virginia police headquarters.” Emily said standing and heading to her office. Behind her, everyone else grabbed their bags and case information and silently made their way to the parking garage.

The team took several vehicles on the short, 75 mile drive to the small town on the West Virginia border. Spencer was glad that he was paired with Matt and Tara during the drive. Neither of them wanted to make small talk nor did they want to discuss the case. Instead, they all rode in companionable silence giving Spencer the chance to do some quiet meditation. As far as he was concerned, the drive to the sheriff’s office was far too short. Duty called though and before he was even completely out of the SUV, Emily was ordering the teams out to gather additional information to start building the profile. 

Shrugging, Spencer eased back into the interior of the SUV and turned to Matt who had been driving. “Looks like we are headed to the coroner's office.”

“Looks like. Should be interesting,” Matt replied putting the car back in gear and pulling out of the space they had just entered.

It didn’t take them long at the morgue. The coroner was very forthcoming in that initial tests found that all 5 victims in Berryville had been poisoned with hemlock. Unfortunately, the state labs were backed up and she was still waiting on the results of testing of the stomach contents. After getting the information to Garcia via the tablets, she had the state office sending the samples over to the FBI labs for expedited processing. With no other information available, the two men headed back to their headquarters for the case. 

They arrived back at the Sheriff’s office at the same time that JJ, Tara, and Rossi were getting back from the most recent crime scene. The five of them went in together to see how Luke and Emily had been doing in setting up the conference room. Unfortunately, the scene had not given them much more than Spencer and Matt had gotten. The absolute lack of evidence so far was making the entire team fear that this was going to be a case that would never be resolved.

_________________

The next morning had dawned with a clear blue sky the belied the frustration the team was experiencing in the quaint town. Quite simply, they had nothing. So far Spencer’s geographic profile was just a series of random dots with no viable connections. The UNSUB’s profile was still depressingly generic: male, likely a bit of a loner, avoids confrontation, manipulative, and almost certainly lacking empathy. There was no clear motivation behind the killings yet and no connection between the victims to rule any out.

It was a very disgruntled team that was slogging through witness statements and brainstorming in the conference room when the central laptop screen burst to life.

“Greetings my intrepid warriors!” Garcia’s face lit up the screen at the center of the table.

“What have you got for us Garcia?” Emily asked looking up with eager eyes.

“Well let me just say that this case brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘death by chocolate,’” she started.

“Death by chocolate?” Tara questioned.

“Yup! According to the lab results I’m sending to your tablets, each one of the victims had ingested chocolate prior to their death.”

Rossi perked up at that, “Chocolate is a great way to hide the poison. Depending on what kind it was, different fillings and the sweetness would make it easy to hide the bitter hemlock.”

“Right you are, Rossi! The other icky contents of their stomachs didn’t yield any other similarities and so now it is up to you to make chocolate safe again! Garcia out!”

“Killed by candy? This is not going to go over well. At least it is something. Dave, Tara, you two start going back to the families and asking about chocolate. Matt, Luke, I want you to comb through the crime scene photos and see if you can find any candy wrappers or the like. JJ you and Spencer can keep going on what we have been working on,” Emily ordered when Garcia got off the line. Everyone jumped into action, excited to have some lead, as tenuous as it was, to follow.

It didn’t take long before Dave and Tara were calling back with a promising lead.

“What have you got, Dave?” Spencer said as he put his phone on speaker so that Emily and JJ could listen in. 

“I think we might have something,” Tara said. “The first three families that we spoke to mentioned that the victims were big fans of chocolate and were very picky about what kind they ate. Each of the victims had recently been gifted with chocolate from a local company in West Virginia.”

JJ grinned, “That’s huge!”

“Great work, Dave, Tara. Confirm with the other families that they also had access to this kind of candy,” Emily said. “JJ, Spencer, get Garcia to tell you where they could have gotten the candy around here. We need to check out the most likely sources.”

It didn’t take long to find the only local source of the chocolate. What was surprising though was the source. It was a local monastery about 5 miles down the road. JJ and Spencer let Emily know they were headed out to check the store. 

“Are you sure you are up for this, Spence?” JJ asked as he slid behind the wheel.

“What do you mean?”

JJ looked out the window, “Well, I mean this is a monastery. They are likely going to be very religious. I just don’t want to break up any fights between you and the monks when they find out you are aren’t religious.”

Spencer paused before pulling out of the parking space, “I’m not?”

“Yes,” she went on. “You know, being a scientist and all. You can’t possibly believe in God. How any of us could still believe in God after everything we have seen is a wonder.”

Spencer didn’t respond. She was right on some level, the horrors that they witnessed every day at work sometimes made it difficult but not impossible. What confused him more was that she assumed he didn’t have faith of any kind. She should know better than to make assumptions, especially about someone she had known for as long as she had known him. While he didn’t parade his religious beliefs around the BAU, he certainly didn’t try to hide them either. As he drove he mentally reviewed their interactions and was surprised to find that he could not think of a single time that he had discussed religion with his team. It seemed they just assumed that he was agnostic at best given his science background. “Huh,” he said without thinking.

“What?” JJ asked, pulled from her own thoughts.

“Oh, nothing. I just realized that we have never discussed religion before. It makes sense then for you and everyone else to assume that I don’t practice any particular religion.”

She sat up straighter in her seat. “You mean you do?”

Spencer nodded as he leaned forward, looking for the road that would lead them to the gift shop of the abbey. “Yup. I thought you knew that I was Catholic.”

“You are Catholic? Like Catholic-Catholic or Rossi-Catholic?” she asked in a surprised voice.

He laughed at her distinction, “Catholic-Catholic. I still go to church every Sunday we are home without having my family guilt trip me into it.”

“Wow,” she breathed out. “And here I thought I knew everything about you, Dr. Reid.”

Spencer was saved from having to come up with a response by the fact that they were pulling into the small parking lot at the abbey gift shop. “Here we are.”

Opening the door to step out, Spencer’s breath caught in his throat. There was something about this place. He looked around and just couldn’t put his finger on it. There was just a feeling of peace and tranquility that Spencer prayed hadn’t been disturbed by an UNSUB and death.

He hesitated walking in, letting JJ lead the charge. He really didn’t want anything to come from this visit other than a lead on another source of the chocolates. JJ on the other hand, seemed hell-bent on proving that one of the monks was the UNSUB. She walked confidently into the store, the small bell ringing causing the older man in white and cream robes sitting behind the counter to look up and smile as they entered. 

“Welcome! Is there anything I can help you find today?” He spoke in a quiet measured tone.

“SSA Jareau and Dr. Reid. We are with the FBI and we have some questions for you,” JJ said with a strange glint in her eye.

The man raised his eyebrows, eyes wide in surprise. “I see. Please, make yourself comfortable while I call the Abbott. I believe that he should be here for this. It won’t take but a moment.” He disappeared into a small back room of the store. 

Spencer was taking his time, looking at the selection of goods that the Abbey offered. He admitted that some of the honeys they showed on their shelves looked absolutely delicious. He could just imagine spreading some on his toast with breakfast. JJ meanwhile was focused on a small display of chocolates. The sign stated proudly that they were made specifically for the Abbey from a small store in West Virginia. “Spence, look! This is it!” she crowed.

Before Spencer could answer, he heard the door opening behind them and another, even older man in the same white and cream garments entered the store. “Hello, you must be from the FBI. I’m Abbott Montclair. Brother Adams said that you have some questions for us?”

“Yes, I’d like to bring you and anyone else who has access to the chocolate here in for questioning,” JJ stated, stepping towards the Abbott. 

“Everyone? That would be everyone who serves in the store, Brother Adams and Brother Driezdic,” the Abbott said. “While we are happy to assist, I must ask what this is all about.”

While JJ was trying to explain to the Abbott about the investigation without providing compromising information, Spencer felt his cell phone vibrating. He stepped to the side of the store, keeping an eye on JJ, and answered, “Dr. Reid?”

“Oh! Boy Genius! I’m so glad to have gotten a hold of you. You and JJ need to come, quick! You are barking up the wrong tree. Turns out there is another store in Berryville selling chocolate from the same company but that news hasn’t been updated on the company websites which is why I didn’t find it at first. A bit of digging into the business dealings of the chocolate company and I think I found the UNSUB!”

“Hold on, Garcia. As relieved as I would be to hear that, why do you think you have the UNSUB identified? We haven’t even put together the profile!”

“Well, the son of the store owner recently got kicked out of school where he was a botany major. He has been working for his father at the store since then but based on police reports both old and new, it isn’t a good relationship. He was kicked out for, get this, poisoning several of the other students in the dorm.”

“He does sound like he could be a solid suspect. I’ll get JJ and we will head back to the station,” Spencer said, hoping that the relief wasn’t too evident in this voice.

“Hey, JJ, we need to go, now,” he said quietly into her ear as he approached where she was in some sort of staring contest with the Abbott.

“Absolutely, Reid, as soon as Abbott here agrees to come with us,” she declared without breaking eye contact.

“Umm...I don’t think that will be necessary,” he said tugging her arm. “I’ll explain in the car. Abbott, Brother, I thank you for your time. If we have any questions we will come back. I’m sorry for any interruptions to your day.” He shot a look at the Abbott that he hoped was able to convey how sorry he truly was. Despite his years on the job, Spencer couldn’t quite place the look that he received in return.

Spencer practically shoved JJ out the door and into the SUV. “What the hell, Spence?” she said fastening her seatbelt. “That was our best lead and you might have cost us the investigation!”

“Turns out that isn’t our best lead, Garcia found something. Check your phone.” He gave her a few minutes of silence as she checked her voicemail and text messages.

When she was done, she looked up at Spencer with wide eyes, “Luke and Matt already got the guy to confess.”

That was news to Spencer, “What?”

“Hold on, I’m calling Emily,” she said dialing and holding the phone between the two of them.

“Prentiss,” came a staticky answer after several rings.

“Emily, what’s going on? Spencer just rushed me out of the store and I’ve got a message from Tara that the UNSUB confessed.”

On the other end of the phone, Emily sighed. “He did. He started confessing the moment he saw Matt and Luke flash their badges. He didn’t even try to run.”

“But, but we haven’t even finished the profile!” JJ whined.

Emily took a deep breath before responding, “Be thankful that this case got resolved. We really didn’t have much to go on and I will take any win that I can right now.”

“Fine,” she pouted. “Spence and I will be back shortly.”

“Alright, see you soon. If we can get things wrapped up quickly, we might be able to make it out of here tonight,” Emily replied before hanging up.

JJ made sure the call was disconnected before pocketing her phone. “Well, that was anticlimactic.”

Spencer nodded slowly, “Perhaps, but like Emily said, take the win. And besides, that means we are headed home tonight.”

“IF we finish all the paperwork,” JJ moaned.

“Hey, I like paperwork!”

“Only you, Spence, only you.” JJ grinned.

When the two arrived back at the station, it was to the usual chaos of a small town office dealing with a high profile crime. Everyone was trying to get in on the action and the BAU team was trying to stay out of the way and the limelight. It was easier said than done though as the office was bustling making it virtually impossible to get any paperwork accomplished.

After several hours of interrupted work, Emily looked at the clock. “Ok everyone, let’s call it a day. We are never going to get things wrapped up. Let’s get some dinner and head to the hotel. We can finish in the morning and be home by mid-afternoon. Alright?”

“Sounds great,” Tara said stretching in her seat. “What are we doing for dinner?”

Rossi groaned, “Anything but Italian. These small towns try but they don’t know their marinara from a bolognese.”

Emily laughed, “You all decide. I am happy with anything that doesn’t come in styrofoam.”

Spencer had been working on taking fleshing out the geographic profile for record and clearing up the boards. When Emily announced the plan for the night he realized that he had zero desire to join in the team dinner. He had a nagging feeling that he needed to something but nothing was coming to mind. The feeling was frustrating him and he was anxious to get some peace and quiet and figure it out. “Umm, count me out guys. I’m not feeling that hungry. I’ll just grab something at the hotel.”

“You feeling ok, Reid?” Matt asked looking concerned.

“Yeah, I just don’t feel like going out tonight,” he said smiling tightly.

Matt nodded, “If you are sure. Keep the keys to the SUV in case you change your mind. We can fit into the other two that we brought.”

“Thank you,” he said and turned back to the board. There wasn’t much left for him to do and perhaps when the rest of the team left he would have the peace and quiet to finish. Soon, he was lost in his thoughts and the maps spread before him. It wasn’t until he heard a quiet cough behind him that he realized that the station was considerably more dark and empty than earlier, the bustle of the day had given way to the skeleton night crew of a small town office.

Whirling around, Spencer found himself looking at the Abbott from earlier in the day. “Abbott Montclair!” he exclaimed in surprise. After a second he added, “How can I help you?”

The Abbott turned and upon finding a chair went and sat down. “I think the question is, how can I help you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Forgive me, this is not something I would normally do. However, I felt compelled to reach out to you. God works in mysterious ways and I found out long ago that everything works out when I give myself over to His will.”

“I still do not understand,” Spencer said putting down the marker he had been wielding and taking a seat across the table from the Abbott. 

The older man sighed, “You look like a man who has seen too much in too short of a time. When you looked at me while trying to get your coworker to leave, I had the urge to beg you to stop, to rest, and to take refuge at the Abbey.”

Spencer remained silent. There was something in the man’s words that was resonating within him. There was a flicker of something that he couldn’t quite place. He made a mental note to think on this further when he was back at the hotel.

Seeing that Spencer wasn’t going to say anything, the Abbott continued. “Perhaps this is bold, but I think that it would do you good to come to our Abbey for several days for a retreat. I think you need a chance to reconnect with God.”

“A retreat?”

The Abbott smiled broadly, the action causing his eyes to brighten and the serious visage to come alive. “Yes! We offer those seeking the retreat room and board at our guest house. I think it would be good for you to have some time in prayer. Oh! Oh I forgot to ask, are you Catholic? Or Christian?” His smile started to falter as he realized that he had made a very large assumption.

The sudden change in expression caused Spencer to smile shyly, “Yes, I am Catholic. Umm...what would this retreat entail?”

Relieved at Spencer’s response, the man launched into a succinct description of the facilities and opportunities available for private prayer and contemplation. The more he spoke, the more that Spencer felt a pull to participate. Before he could even stop, Spencer found himself agreeing to attend a weekend long retreat the following weekend. 

As the Abbott, all smiles and peace, left the office with Spencer’s card including his personal phone number, Spencer looked dumbfounded at what had just happened. Shaking his head, he stood and started to clear the room again. As he did so, all he could think was that it was a good thing that his mandatory leave started in a few days. He wouldn’t have to answer any uncomfortable questions about why he was coming here well after the case had been resolved.

_________________

Spencer woke early on Friday morning. Even though this wasn’t his first mandatory leave period from the team, it never failed to make him feel awkward waking up with nowhere to go for the day. As the sunlight filtered through his bedroom window, he remembered that he did in fact have some place to go today. The retreat that he had been encouraged to take at the end of the last case. 

He was inexplicably nervous about this retreat. While it wouldn’t be the first time that he had used his time off to re-center himself both physically and spiritually, this was the first time that he was doing something as formal as a retreat. During discussion and planning with the coordinator at the monastery, it was made explicitly clear that there was no schedule for those on retreat. He had no obligations other than to himself. Mass and meal times would posted in the corridor and common room of the guest house and he was free to attend those as needed and desired. There was something liberating about that freedom of schedule but it was also quite daunting. He had gotten so accustomed to his schedule that he wasn’t sure how he would handle this sudden liberty. That was a problem for future Spencer. For now, he had a lot to get done before leaving town. 

He rose quickly and fixed himself a cup of coffee. He finally felt ready to begin packing his go-bag with relaxation rather than work in mind. 

The drive to the monastery was utterly uneventful. The weather was clear and warm, the traffic light, and Spencer’s distracted mind had him pulling into the guest house parking lot significantly earlier than he had intended. As he sat in the car, he could feel this strange sense of foreshadowing. It wasn’t a negative feeling, it wasn’t a sense of fear, but he knew that something was changing just by him being here. It was absolutely a change for the better. After a few deep breaths and a quick prayer to Michael the Archangel for courage, Spencer opened the door and headed to check in for the weekend.

He checked in via the bulletin board and made his way to his room. He walked in and was greeted by a simple, clean, and efficient room. The desk held some paper, a bible, and a list of guidelines that was memorized almost immediately. The view out of the window was incredible, the guest house was perfectly situated on the campus to have an extraordinary view of the Blue Ridge mountains. Spencer soaked in the peace and quiet, his body feeling immediately lighter by the simple virtue of being there. 

He spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between resting and reading in his room. He had found that the common room down the hall had a small selection of texts that were inordinately fascinating: church history, theology,and philosophy to start. If nothing else, this was going to be an opportunity for Spencer to truly enjoy reading at a slower pace. All too soon, he realized that it was time to go to sleep if he wanted to fully participate in the monastery’s schedule the next day. 

The quiet of the Virginia countryside had Spencer falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. It took him a few minutes to figure out that it wasn’t his cell phone ringing that had woken him, but a small alarm clock that was showing the bright hour of 2:30AM. He rose quickly, throwing on the clothes he had set out the night before, and wandered down to the chapel, intent on praying all of the Hours today. 

At precisely 3:30AM, the Vigils started. Spencer was awed by the beauty of the simplicity of the prayers. Even though it was clear that he was the only non-monastic in attendance, he felt fully welcomed and embraced. Afterwards, as everyone filed out, he lingered in the small chapel. Finding the warmth from the prayers to have permeated the building and giving him a sense of fulfillment and wonder that was rather intoxicating. 

He was still riding the spiritual high of the Vigils when everyone began to filter back in for Lauds and Mass. This was a slightly more well attended prayer session as he saw several others in secular clothing as spots of color amongst the cream and white of the monastics. In an almost magical moment, just as Mass began, a shift in the clouds caused the morning sun to come streaming through the stained glass windows of the chapel, turning the congregation into a canvass of rich, deep, colors and illuminating the space as the voices themselves reached to the heavens. 

By the end, Spencer was visibly shaken. For all of his experience, there were very few times that he could remember feeling so fundamentally changed. Rooted in his pew, the memories of those moments flashed before him: when he realized that his father was not coming home; when he walked out the doors of Bennington with his mother’s desperate cries ringing in his ears; when Gideon called to tell him that he had been accepted to the FBI Academy and would begin training as soon as he could get out there; when he realized that the only way to save himself from Hankel was to kill him; when he hit his lowest point and knew that he had two options, get clean or die; when he woke the first morning in prison and didn’t know when or if he would ever leave those walls. And now, this morning, when he felt completely humbled and fully accepted. This was what he had been seeking for so long: acceptance, peace, quiet, and freedom.

He took in a deep breath, releasing it slowly, and stood on shaky legs, not sure if the idea slowly worming its way into his thoughts was one that he was ready to address. Deciding that he had plenty of time to revisit it later, he brushed it aside without even fully acknowledging it. He decided to focus instead on the moment. Anything beyond today was a problem for future Spencer to handle.

A morning spent in silent prayer and study gave way to lunch with the others on the retreat. Conversation during the meal was at a minimum, each person relishing the quiet simplicity of sharing a meal without distraction. Everyone left together to attend to midday prayers before again breaking for prayer and reflection. Spencer took the time to seek out the opportunity for confession. 

Spencer knelt before the screen, seeing a monk in the dimly lit confessional before him. The words rose to his lips and spilled out with little effort or thought. He spoke from the heart, his voice breaking under the painful admissions of wrongdoing, doubt, and fear. The monk before him was a quiet pillar of strength, speaking only when necessary. As the words tumbled out, the tales of the victims he couldn’t save, of the people he had hurt in the name of duty, the hurt, the anger, the fear surrounding everything that had happened to him he felt infinitely lighter. This was different than the confessions he had done at his home parish. Those were done face to face, looking into the eyes of his priest, seated as an equal, and though he felt absolved and resolved upon completion, there was a sense of perfunctoriness to the entire event, as though both he and the priest were walking through the motions. This, though was a cleansing of his entire soul in a way that he didn’t even realize was possible. 

As he returned to chapel for nones, he felt a twinge of sadness, remembering so long ago the case of the Fisher King. His knowledge of the Divine Offices had been a key piece in starting the investigation that would eventually lead to Elle’s attack and his mother’s travel to Quantico. To this day he believed that the event had scarred his mother more than originally thought, she was never the same, remaining guarded even when with her son up until her passing. As for Elle? Well, she was one of many regrets that Spencer had when it came to his work. While it was likely far too little and far too late, he resolved to dedicate his prayers this afternoon to both of those women.

Praying in the chapel he was again awestruck by the experience. It seemed almost too good to be true if he was being honest. Everything was perfect, too perfect. The people too friendly, the prayers too fervent, the entire situation, while everything that he thought he wanted also raised his defenses. There was a small voice in the back of his mind reminding him that nothing should ever be taken at face value. That thought stuck with him through the rest of the afternoon and evening. During the evening meal he couldn’t help but try to profile those around him. Was that man with the wedding ring hiding from his wife and an unhappy family? Were the two young men, obviously friends, more than friends and desperately trying to squash the romantic feelings by channeling the energy into religion? Was that young woman here escaping a dangerous relationship? Was anyone here out of true devotion and a desire to pray? 

He didn’t leave himself out of the scrutiny. Why was he here? Sure, he was a faithful Catholic who wanted a break from his job but surely there were other places that he could have gone to get away from it all. What brought him here? Was it simply because the Abbott had suggested it and he had let himself be bullied into attending? Was he hiding from something? From someone? What was he really hoping to get from being here?

Those questions and more circled his mind for the rest of the night. As he left the chapel following vespers, he mentally cursed himself for letting his guard slip. He more than most had seen the darkest side of humanity. The evil was often covered with a sweet and innocent veneer. As he looked around the idyllic Virginia countryside he could only do nothing but remind himself that nothing this good and light came without darkness. What darkness was hiding here?

Distracted by his own desire to find what was wrong, Spencer found himself no longer looking forward to the Divine Offices of Sunday. Suddenly, the abbey’s warm and welcoming ambiance was stifling and threatening; the retreat’s end could not come fast enough. 

_________________

Spencer sat in the comfortable chair staring at the therapist on the other side of the desk. As far as he was concerned, this therapy session was simply another check in the box to get him back in the field. The Bureau was really doing everything that they could to cover their asses in the wake of his incarceration. Not only did he have the mandatory time out of the field but his periodic mental health sessions happened with significantly greater frequency than those of his coworkers. 

He absolutely hated having to go through this time and time again. It wasn’t that Spencer didn’t appreciate therapy. He was well aware of the benefits and firmly believed that for many people it was an absolute necessity. He just didn’t think these circumstances warranted the additional therapy. He didn’t need some power hungry wanna-be deciding whether or not he was fit to return at the conclusion of each leave of absence. Hell, he didn’t even need the leave of absence. He knew that he could talk circles around this guy and be reinstated without an issue. 

All of those reasons were why he was surprised when after a few minutes of sitting in silence he found himself talking. He kept talking, unable to stop as he told the man everything, from JJ assuming that he was not religious and would try to pick a fight at the monastery to when he left the abbey in an uncomfortable rush and to now, sitting in this office frustrated with himself.

“Why the frustration?” came the superhumanly calm question.

“Because I can’t figure it out! I don’t know what the problem is at the abbey. It is too perfect. Nothing in life is that perfect but I can’t see beyond it. I am a trained investigator and profiler. Finding the seedy underbelly of this group should be child’s play to me,” Spencer grumbled.

His statement was met with a raised eyebrow, “Do you want to find the ‘seedy underbelly’ as you put it? What is wrong with accepting it as it is? A place of peace and refuge? Why must there be a darker side?”

Spencer snorted. “Nothing can be that peaceful. After you have seen what I have, you come to realize that there is always a darker side.”

“Perhaps that is the challenge: distancing yourself from everything that you have seen as an agent and coming to accept that there are things in life that can simply be good.”

“Laurell K. Hamilton tells us ‘They say there is no light without dark, no good without evil, no male without female, no right without wrong. That nothing can exist if it's direct opposite does not also exist,’” Spencer countered.

“Perhaps, but you are a man of science, wouldn’t you rather discover that on your own than take someone else’s word for it?” the therapist argued.

That gave Spencer pause. He loved science because it gave him the freedom to ask questions, challenge his own beliefs, and discover new ideas. Could he really solve this question of faith through science? Even though he would be the first to tell you that the two were without a doubt compatible, could they actually work together to answer his questions? Could he really deepen his faith by approaching it like a scientific study? “I...I think I need to think about that,” he finally admitted.

“Well, consider it your homework to do between cases. You are cleared to return to the BAU,” the man said smiling.

Spencer just nodded, too caught up in thought to otherwise acknowledge the clearance.

_________________

“Reid, get your head back in the game,” Emily barked, startling Spencer.

Guiltily, he looked up at his unit chief, “Sorry, I’m trying to focus. There is just something missing here and I can’t put my finger on it.”

With what could only be described as a growl, Emily ground out, “Well, figure it out fast. He has another woman already and I’ll be damned if we lose this one too.”

Sighing, Spencer turned back to the board where everything and nothing made sense all at once. It was as though the UNSUB had been leaving just enough at each abduction and dump site to lead from one to the other. However, this last one was different. There was nothing there, no clue to continue this not-so-merry chase around downtown Helena, Montana. It was almost as though he hadn’t chosen the dump site yet and thus couldn’t leave a clue. Spencer grimaced, that didn’t fit the profile though, this was an UNSUB who thought multiple steps ahead and had a plan. Even this lack of evidence was obviously carefully designed. It was as though there wasn’t going to be...he jumped up. “Garcia! I need to talk to Garcia!”

He ran past Emily and Luke and grabbed at the phone centered on the conference room table, dialing frantically. He was practically vibrating as he waited for Garcia to answer. “Come on, come on,” he chanted quietly. “Garcia!” he practically yelled before she could actually answer.

“Whoa, what can I do for you Boy Wonder?” she said.

“We need more information on the victim the UNSUB has right now. This wasn’t an abduction of opportunity. This is part of his endgame, I think I know what’s happening but I need you to get EVERYTHING you can on her. Not just the initial pull you did.”

Everyone in the conference room was staring at Spencer who was leaning on the table by the phone breathing heavily, as though he had just finished a race. After a pause, Garcia responded quietly, “I can do that...give me…” her voice trailed off.

“What? What did you find, Penelope?” JJ asked.

“I think I am starting to see what Boy Wonder is seeing. He is right, she isn’t the squeaky clean and innocent woman she appears. Our latest has quite the juvenile record...starting with petty theft and moving up to some bigger, mainly white collar crimes.”

“Garcia, how did you miss this the first time around?” Emily said sternly, not happy that it had taken almost 24 hours since the reported abduction for this information to come to light.

“I’m sorry, Boss Ma’am, she did a really good job of hiding her tracks. The basic searches on her daily routine and habits didn’t pick up this kind of history. She also changed her name when she turned 18 making the sealed juvenile record that much harder to reach,” Garcia said, obviously still distracted by what she was finding. “I’m sending you all information to your tablets now. If what I’m seeing is real, you had better catch this bitch and fast. Garcia out.”

Silence hung over the room one by one they read through the information Garcia had pushed to their tablets. It was Matt who broke the silence, “I’ll be damned. It was her all along, wasn’t it?”

Spencer pushed himself back from the table, flopping into a chair against the wall, “I think so. That’s what I couldn’t make sense from the geo profile. Everything was too neat, too clean, too organized until this one. She isn’t the victim here, the person we have been tracking as an unsub is. Now we need to figure out who that really is.”

As she finished reading, Emily looked around the room, glaring at the agents. “What are you waiting for? An invitation? She is in her endgame and we need to stop her!”

The shocked agents mobilized at their Unit Chief’s words. They scrambled from their seats, even more determined to stop this UNSUB. Spencer, however, remained seated. He took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion and frustration. Emily, who had watched the team jump glared at the young man who had not done likewise. “What are you still doing here Reid? Get moving.”

Slowly, he placed his glasses back on the bridge of his nose and looked at Emily. He didn’t like what he saw. There was tension and stress written in every muscle of her body. Her eyes were narrowed in a sharp glare that was only moderately less effective than desired given the lingering exhaustion also present. This had been a rough case for everyone, but being the leader she was being held responsible for their slow progress to date. He wanted to help her, he really did, but there was nothing he could do at the moment. He also knew that telling her that wouldn’t solve anything. With a tired sigh, he stood and headed back to his maps, easily letting his focus shift to something other than the data spread before him.

This was their third case in a row since he returned from his mandatory time off. The cases had gotten progressively more gruesome and difficult. He wasn’t sure if he could stomach anything more without a break. Unfortunately, the desire for a break just brought up the unanswered questions that he had, the ‘homework’ his therapist had assigned. Maybe this was his opportunity to take the time and actually lay out the details. He couldn’t do anything more case related without additional information and this would at least keep him looking occupied and away from Emily’s wrath.

The logical progression would be to start with what he knows and determine what he was actually trying to determine. Once he had those parameters, he could then use the known data to determine a solution. It should be easy. So, what did he know? Well, if he was going to be honest with himself, he had fallen a bit in love with the monastery. It was quiet, interesting books, no one bothering him or getting annoyed at his habits. It was peaceful and someplace he actually felt safe. He also knew that no one from there had been involved in the murders, in fact their record as an organization was beyond squeaky clean. Garcia had run a deep dive into the order and their organization at this particular monastery. Everything had come up clean without a hint of scandal. They paid taxes, offered charity, and kept largely to themselves. Those in the area that worked there were full of high praise for the men with whom they interacted. For the most part, the brothers kept secluded, preferring to sequester themselves in prayer. 

Ok, so despite the information that Garcia had dug up and his own time there, he had relatively little with which to work. What did he need to figure out? Well, first was to determine whether or not anything nefarious was really happening. When, well, if, he came to that conclusion it would be what was happening. After that it would be all about how to stop it.He was, after all, a federal agent and it was his moral duty to find justice and stop the evil of mankind. 

“Have you considered talking to someone?”

The comment startled Spencer. He whirled around to find himself face to face with Rossi. A strangled “What?” was about all he could manage.

“Have you considered talking to someone,” Dave repeated. “I know damn well you can’t do anything until more information comes in and yet you look like you are trying to answer the questions of life, happiness, and everything all at once.”

“42,” he said automatically.

“42?”

Spencer nodded sagely, “Yup, 42. It is the answer to life, happiness, and everything. You would know this if you knew where your towel was.”

“My towel?” Rossi’s confusion growing even more.

“Of course, a hoopy frood like yourself already knew this,” Spencer was having trouble keeping a straight face. 

“Hoopy frood? For all that is holy, what is a hoopy frood?” 

“Don’t worry, it’s mostly harmless,” Spencer finally broke and started giggling. Dave merely shook his head and left the room muttering something about crazy young people.

As he grinned at Rossi’s retreating back, Spencer realized that Dave actually had a great idea. He was trying to solve this mystery all on his own with only the data he had on hand. One of the first steps of their BAU investigations though was to talk with the victims, if possible, family, witnesses, and anyone else even tangentially involved. By asking questions of everyone they were usually able to piece together enough of the truth to find the UNSUB. So why then was he trying to solve this with only the data he was able to gather from reading and observing? He needed to interrogate! Ok, not interrogate but at least question and speak to people involved. However, this would have to wait as he could see a grimly smiling JJ coming towards him with a sheaf of papers. 

_________________

“I need to go back,” he stated plainly as he walked into the office. 

The therapist looked up, raising an eyebrow in questioning surprise. “Dr. Reid?”

Normally, Spencer’s sessions with the therapist usually followed the same script. He would come into the office where the therapist was writing notes or such. He would sit down and wait for the therapist’s attention. After a few more moments of contemplation, there would be some banal conversations before real issues would be addressed. The two men would then sit and discuss the issues until the end of the appointment time and would then part with a reminder of the next session time and an assurance that Spencer was in fact cleared for duty or a reminder to enjoy his small sabbatical. Never before had Spencer rushed into the office and jumped directly into conversation.

“I need to go back,” Spencer said with absolute conviction. “You told me that I needed to approach this scientifically and I realized that if I’m going to do so, I need to go back. I’ve got my next sabbatical coming up in a couple of weeks and I’m going to make an appointment and go back. I’ll do another retreat and finally get some answers.”

Realization finally dawned on the therapist as he frantically flipped through his notes. “You want to go back to the monastery and investigate a crime that you aren’t sure has even been committed?”

“Not necessarily a crime. I would like to believe that the monks aren’t actually criminals nor that they would associate with them regularly. No, I just want to know what the downside is to this place. Having a dark side isn’t always a crime.”

“That is a well reasoned argument. And so you are going to do another retreat?”

Spencer nodded quickly, “Yes. It will give me the chance to explore the grounds and hopefully speak to some of the monks and lay workers there. I was reminded during this last case that sometimes you need to talk to the people involved and actually gather information. If nothing else, the quiet will give me the opportunity to contemplate the data I’ve already gathered.”

“Then I guess all I can say is good luck. Now that we have that covered, let’s talk about this last case,” the therapist said as he opened his notebook to a clean page.

Spencer smiled. He had a plan and no one seemed bent on changing his mind. For the first time in a long time he was feeling happy and focused. He could get used to this feeling.

_________________

Spencer woke up groggy and confused. “It must be Thursday, I never could get the hang of Thursdays,” he quoted to himself. Shaking his head to clear it he looked around. The stark white walls of the room, adorned with a simple wooden cross were enough to snap him back to reality and where he was. It wasn’t Thursday, it was Sunday. He wasn’t at home, he wasn’t even on a Vogon ship with his buddy Ford. He was back at the monastery on the last day of his second retreat. 

He had come into this retreat as though he was going undercover for a case with the FBI. He had been taking note and doing research. Since Friday afternoon he had talked as much as he could with as many people as possible. While attempting to be subtle, he still could tell that the Abbott was not happy with him. That is why, following services yesterday evening, he had been asked to visit the abbott in his office before checking out of the retreat. With a groan, he rolled out of bed to prepare himself for the rest of the day, including what was likely to be a very uncomfortable conversation with the abbott.

A few hours later, Spencer closed the trunk on his car. With his bags already packed and stowed away, he had nothing left to do but face the music that was the abbott. He had to admit, that this morning had been especially wonderful despite the knowledge of the upcoming discussion. Since had ‘concluded his research’ he hadn’t felt the pressure to do anything more than pray and immerse himself in the moment. Doing so had been especially comforting to Spencer. He really hadn’t felt this good mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in a long time. He only hoped that this wouldn’t all be ruined with a few words.

He knocked softly at the office door and gently pushed it open to enter when prompted. As he stepped inside, he could see the abbott sitting at his desk signing a few documents. 

The abbott looked up at Spencer, “Dr. Reid, please, be seated.”

Spencer sait down, hesitantly, on the edge of the chair across the desk. He didn’t want to be the one to break the silence but yet he felt compelled to apologize. “I’m sorry, Abbott Montclair.”

“For what are you apologizing?”

“I’m sorry for investigating you and the abbey,” Spencer said in a rush.

Abbott Montclair smiled at Spencer, “You were investigating us?”

He nodded. “Not formally. I just...I just had questions. And doubts.”

“Many who come to our retreats do. They use their time to answer the questions and relieve the doubts. This is the first time though that I’ve heard it referred to as an investigation. Were your questions answered?”

“I don’t know,” Spencer said shifting uncomfortably. “May I speak freely?”

“Please do.”

“When you first invited me here it seemed too good to be true. I had heard about how spiritually invigorating retreats could be. Having been here on the case, I knew how beautiful it was and I was excited at the prospect of relaxing mentally, physically, and spiritually. When I got here, it was everything I had wanted, and more. It was too perfect. I could not shake the feeling that there had to be a catch, a down side, something that would show that this wasn’t the paradise that it appeared to be on the surface. Nothing could be this good on earth.”

He took a breath before continuing. “I’m a man of science. I have faith but even that is because I have approached it from a logical perspective. I believe what I believe and have found sufficient data to reaffirm those beliefs. Now, that isn’t to say that I have wondered about the inherent bias to that. After all, if this is what I believe would I not subconsciously seek out affirmation for it while simultaneously discarding opposing thoughts and examples in order to prove it? That has been a worry of mine for many years.” He paused again, noticing that he was starting to drift from the topic. “When I started doubting that what I had been experiencing could be the entirety of the situation, I decided to approach it scientifically. That is why I came back this weekend. It is why I have been asking so many questions, trying to learn as much as I could. I thought for certain that if there was anything wrong that it would be exposed during my time.”

“And what did you learn?” The abbott said gently.

“I discovered that I couldn’t find the flaws. I mean sure, the work that you and the other monks do looks difficult. It can’t be easy spending your life in prayer and relative solitude. The physical labor performed is also somewhat daunting when you realize that your lives are actually dependent upon it. Other than that, this place is exactly what it looks like. It really is a safe haven, an oasis in the chaos of life. I didn’t think I wanted to find something wrong, but I also found that I was disappointed when I didn’t. After everything that I have seen and done, I didn’t think it was possible to find something so untouched, untainted.”

Abbott Montclair nodded. “You wanted to find the flaws because it was safer. It would have reaffirmed your beliefs. It would have given you an out when you realized you were facing more questions than what you were willing to admit.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are an FBI agent, correct? You deal with the worst of humanity on a regular basis. While I do not know specifics, I would not be surprised to find out that you have also suffered greatly either during or because of some of the crimes you investigate. You have suffered and because of that you expect suffering. You may call yourself a man of science, but your presence here the first time shows that your faith is equally important to you. However, you also focus on the suffering. You enjoy reading the Old Testament and the book of Job, don’t you?”

Looking somewhat ashamed, Spencer nodded. “It is comforting to know that I’m not alone in my questioning and suffering.”

“Indeed, I have found myself reading those passages often myself. However, I always make sure that I then read something that is a little less doom and gloom. There must be balance, Dr. Reid.”

“I was told not to keep count, that it didn’t work that way,” Spencer responded. “That was after I couldn’t save someone. My boss who had been doing this for far longer than I had, all but told me that it would never balance out; that it didn’t matter how many we saved because we would always lose more. Since then, every victory has been hollow. I don’t even see them as victories any longer because we aren’t really saving anyone. So many of the victims are permanently scarred, whether mentally or physically, that even though they live, will they have quality of life?”

“I would argue that any life is better than none,” the abbott replied.

“Usually, I would agree. However, there are so many times when it seems as though that isn’t enough. That it isn’t really worth the fight.”

“And that is why you agreed to come here? To reset and find the strength to keep fighting?”

Spencer mutely nodded.

“And did you find what you needed?”

“I thought I did, but it just raised more questions.”

“More questions because you were trying to keep score? You saw the good and therefore there must be bad, and likely more than there was good?”

“Yes, but now...now I just don’t know.”

“You are disappointed then that your ledgers are working out differently here? And that is raising questions that are making you uncomfortable? May I make a request?”

At Spencer’s nod, he continued. “Please, go to the chapel and pray. We are between offices right now and you will have privacy. Just, please open your heart and your mind and allow yourself to be open to all possibilities.”

“I can do that. At least I think I can do that.”

A few moments later, Spencer found himself alone in the chapel. As he knelt down, he tried to clear his mind. It was still racing from everything that had happened recently. Frustration began to creep in, how could he be honest and say that he prayed with an open heart and mind when he couldn’t stop thinking about everything? How scared he was of the thoughts in the back of his mind, how he was tired of fighting a losing battle of good and evil. 

Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. He hated failing, he hated losing, and yet he had lost so much of himself in pursuit of winning at his job. As much as he hated to lose, he had also feared winning. He had feared that his victories wouldn’t be enough. At least, if he lost he could justify the casualties, including himself, as collateral damage. If he won, he would be forced to admit that the victories still left large swaths of damage. Had he been sabotaging himself? Not to the level of sabotaging cases but simply putting barriers in his own way so that he would have an excuse to continue to fail or at least not succeed?

It was confusing, it was terrifying, and it was true. He had been his own worst enemy for a while now. He had been focusing so much on keeping count, trying to minimize the losses, that he had lost himself. He had stopped listening to himself in an effort to focus on the external. That meant that he lived and forced himself to meet the preconceived notions that others had of him, of genius and FBI agent, rather than focusing on himself and who he was. He had taken out that frustration by becoming an injustice collector of sorts. 

So who was he? What did he want? 

He bowed his head lower, the tears that had been threatening to spill, had begun falling freely. He knew the answer but wasn’t sure if he had the courage to say it.

When he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, he felt himself sag into the soft fabric of the habit worn by the abbott. He sobbed, no longer feeling ashamed, guilty, or confused. After a few minutes, the tears slowed and with a hiccup, he looked up into the face of the older man and saw nothing but love and compassion. With his voice rough he asked, “How did you know?”

“My son, you are not the first and you will not be the last that I have seen in your position. Everyone has been special, but underneath the unique circumstances, all of you have been alike. You have been seeking answers but finding questions. You have finally started to find the answers and in coming to accept them, you know that your life will never be the same.”

“It can’t be, can it?” Spencer whispered.

The abbott shook his head gently, “Would you want it to be?”

Spencer paused, wanting to ensure that his answer was one with which he could live. “No, no I don’t think I do.” 

“Then we have much about which to speak. Come, I think we could both use a cup of tea,” he said, helping Spencer to his feet. “Or perhaps something stronger?”

_________________

“I’ve tendered my resignation, effective today,” Spencer blurted out to the team sitting around the table. They had gathered in the conference room for their usual Friday morning meeting and were all lingering around chatting before going back to work on files and paperwork. 

Everyone but Emily looked at him in shock. She had been there when Spencer had submitted the paperwork the week before. Despite all of her arguments and pleading, Spencer remained steadfast in his decision. While she was deeply saddened to see her friend and colleague leave, a part of her was also jealous that he had the guts to walk away. Sometimes even her compartmentalization didn’t work and she wondered how long she would last before she cracked. After everything that he had been through, it was hard to deny that a change would likely do him good. After everything she had been through, she wondered if a change would do her good.

“Oh my Boy Wonder, why? What are you going to do? Are you transferring to another division?” Garcia asked rushing to give him a hug. 

Accepting a brief hug from his dear friend, he pulled back, shaking his head. “No, I’m not staying with the FBI. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I need to make a change in my life. It isn’t that I don’t want you to know what I’m doing but, well, I don’t think you would believe me,” he said simply.

JJ snorted, “Wouldn’t believe you? Why wouldn’t we believe you? I mean, come on, you are just going to go and teach or something aren’t you? Found a lucrative job where you can leverage those PhDs for more money?”

Spencer looked at his long time friend with something akin to sorrow and pity, “No, nothing like that. I just know some of the assumptions you all have made of me. While they don’t bother me, I just think perhaps that this isn’t the right time to tell you.”

“But Baby Genius, why? You aren’t leaving town, are you? We can still get together on the weekends and when we aren’t on cases, right?”

Again, Spencer shook his head. “No, I’m staying in Virginia but moving out of this region. It isn’t that I don’t want to keep in touch, I really do, but in the beginning I”m going to be undergoing a lot of training and won’t have much access to means of communication.”

“Ha! No means of communication, what, are you going to be living in a cave? Wait, don’t answer that, you aren’t really going to live in a cave, are you?” Garcia asked, wildly as she started to think of possible places that wouldn’t let her friend interact with the world.

“No, no cave,” he said with a smile. Sighing he realized that he had pulled the bandage off this far, he might as well go all the way. “I’m going to be entering a monastery.”

“Oh, are you doing one of those retreats? I’ve heard that they are incredibly peaceful,” Tara piped up for the first time since Spencer had announced his intentions to leave the FBI. “That should give you a lot of time to relax.”

“I’m not doing a retreat. I’m joining the monastery,” he emphasized the ‘joining’. 

Luke chuckled, “You are joking right? Joining a monastery? Like as a monk? I mean, don’t get my wrong, my Abuela would kill me if she found out I was mocking the religious life but an FBI agent turned monk? That sounds like a bad mystery novel.” 

“Are you going to be a crime solving monk? That actually sounds kind of cool. Like an Umberto Eco novel in real life!” Matt said looking positively gleeful.

“No, no crime solving. I’m done with that. Or at least I will be very shortly,” he sighed again. “I know that it is a bit hard to understand, but this is what I need to do. I’ve tried to do everything I can to help people working here but now, now I think I can do more good there. It might be selfish, but I think I also need this.”

It was quite obvious that the reactions in the room were clearly divided and that things were about to get messy. Spencer shot a look of desperation to Emily, knocking her out of her thoughts. “Ok, ok, everyone. I understand this is a big deal, but he isn’t gone yet. You have plenty of time to ask questions and bother him about it before he leaves. For now, back to work!” Emily interrupted sending everyone scurrying back to their desks and leaving Spencer alone with her.

“Thank you, Emily,” he said.

She shook her head, “Don’t thank me yet. I’ve only delayed any kind of interrogation. Besides, I like to think I understand why you are leaving, even if I don’t understand your career change.”

“Sometimes, I’m not sure I understand it either,” Spencer stated. “I just know to the center of my being that this is the right thing for me to do.”

“If you are sure, then all I can say is good luck, Spencer.” She gave him a quick hug and a small kiss on the cheek before leaving him alone in the conference room.

A sad smile graced Spencer’s face as he looked out on to the bullpen at his friends and teammates. Even knowing that this was the right decision didn’t make it easier to give up everything and everyone he had known. He truly would miss the family he had built for himself here. Of course, there was nothing to keep him from staying in touch with them. He knew all too well though how the erratic schedule would scuttle most forms of communication. He also knew that as he got further into his studies and vocation that they would have less in common, awkward stilted conversations that left everyone uneasy would eventually be all that remained. No, it was better to close this chapter of his life quickly. It would be best for everyone.

_________________

After work, Penelope, Tara, JJ, and Emily headed to Tara’s for a girls’ movie night. As was expected, the main topic of conversation was Spencer’s announcement. Once everyone had their take out and wine in hand, conversation started in earnest, the movie in the background long forgotten.

“I can’t believe he would just make an announcement like that out of the blue!” JJ said taking a long sip of wine. “I mean come on, he was only doing it for attention. Like he would actually become a monk!”

Emily nodded, “I know it is surprising, but that is what he said when he was giving me all of his paperwork. He isn’t the type to lie and if he was, with his IQ I would expect something much more believable.”

The two women continued back and forth with Penelope eagerly jumping in to echo their comments. Tara, for the most part, sat back and watched the other ladies discuss how unlikely of a candidate for the religious life one Dr. Spencer Reid really was. Eventually, she had enough.

“Hold on,” she interrupted. “I’ve been listening but I still don’t understand why you feel like he is trying to play a practical joke on us or why he would be so bad at it? I mean, the guy is a genius, surely he is capable of figuring out what he wants in life. He has also seen seem pretty horrible shit in this job. Don’t we encounter people almost every day that turn to religion when things are difficult? Why should he be any different?”

“Because he is smarter than that!” JJ blurted. “Spence is a genius and he is wasting it on this asinine concept of religion. He is so smart that he should know better! There is no God and he is an idiot if he believes otherwise.”

Her impassioned comments brought everyone to silence. The only sound was the canned laughter soundtrack from the tv and JJ’s harsh breathing. Her flash was flush with anger as Emily gently prodded, “Do you really think that, Jayje? Do you really think that people who believe in a God are idiots?”

“Well of course! I mean come on, Emily! You have seen some of the same things I have. People can be monsters. What kind of God would allow that in life? Don’t tell me you still believe after everything with your friends and the exorcisms and Doyle.”

“I do. I have to if I want to stay sane in this job. How could I believe in evil if I didn’t believe in good too? Do I necessarily believe in the church that I grew up in? Hell no, that ship sailed a long time ago. Do I believe that there is someone, something, out there bigger and better helping and guiding us? Damn right I do,” Emily’s eyes were flashing dangerously. “Why is it stupid to believe that maybe, just maybe, we aren’t all alone in this?”

“Because if there was a god, then he wouldn’t have let me miscarry while I was working in the State Department,” JJ said angrily. “What kind of sick, twisted God speaks about love and life and then lets shit like that happen?”

No one had any response to her. 

_________________

“He’s gone,” Garcia said numbly. “He, he turned in his laptop and phone to me before finishing his paperwork and I haven’t seen any activity on any of his cards that would indicate that he has a new phone. It really looks like he has divested himself of all his accounts. I….I don’t know where he is.”

“Garcia, we all miss Spencer but are you honestly telling me that you have been using Bureau resources to stalk a former agent?” Emily said aiming her best Unit Chief glare on the technical analyst.

Not cowed in the least, “ Yes. I want to make sure he is ok. I know what he said he was doing but does anyone actually believe it?”

Emily sighed as she looked around the table. They were supposed to be briefing a case but conversation had devolved into a “where’s Reid” guessing game. Not so secretly, she wanted to participate, but she also had a duty to the victims of the latest case that wasn’t getting solved by playing these games. “What I believe or not is irrelevant. He properly tendered his resignation and closed out his accounts with the Bureau. Though I count him as a friend, I also recognize his autonomy and wish him well. We can mourn the loss of our teammate later, for now though we need to focus on the case at hand.”

With less grumbling than she anticipated, the team started to talk about the case. They quickly fell into their roles as agents and before long, Spencer was gone from their minds. Each was confident that they would figure out the mystery of where Spencer was before long. It wouldn’t hurt to sideline that discussion until after the case was solved, right?

As time went on, Emily’s need to remind her team to focus on their work instead of Spencer went down until it was no longer necessary. The legend of Dr. Spencer Reid never really went away though. He had been there too long, done too much, to ever actually be forgotten. HIs list of qualifications had reached near legendary status as had his exploits with the BAU. Before long, his reasons for leaving and his ultimate destination was all but forgotten. He had become somewhat larger than life and those who knew him were regarded with similar levels of awe. As all things do though, life continued and dulled even the most sharp of memories.

_________________

10 years later

“Come on, Boss, really? Are you sure this is the way we are supposed to go?” Kyle Young said as he drove along the quiet country road. “Are the chocolates really worth this boondoggle?”

“Absolutely! I don’t think you understand how amazing they were. After we solved the case, the company sent us an entire gift basket at the BAU in thanks for clearing their name. They had taken a bit of a hit in sales when it was first reported that the victims had died from eating their chocolates which had been poisoned. After the killer was captured, sales skyrocketed for them. The chocolates they sent were beyond amazing,” Emily gushed as she settled back in the seat, letting the BAU’s newest agent follow the GPS directions to their destination.

“That still doesn’t explain why we are looking for a monastery,” he said giving her a quick glance.

She shrugged, “This is the only place in the area that sells them. After the store owner’s son confessed, he wound up closing the store and leaving town. The chocolate company has been reluctant to sell from third party vendors even since then. Turns out that they still trust the monks to peddle their candy though.”

Young laughed, “And since we are here for the parole hearing, which won’t start until tomorrow, you thought it was the perfect time to get some more of the chocolate?”

“Young, this is why you are going to go far in the BAU,” Emily said smugly. “Now, keep your eyes out for the parking lot, it shouldn’t be too far up the road.

As if on cue, the trees gave way to a small clearing and a sign for the gift shop. They pulled the SUV into an almost empty lot. Stepping out, they both gave a deep groan of appreciation in finally being able to stretch and move, “I’m getting too old for this shit,” Emily muttered.

“Careful Boss, I don’t think the monks would appreciate that kind of language,” Young said teasingly. 

Emily shot him a dirty look but strode quickly towards the door. She opened it, giggling lightly at the tinkling of the bell above, and waited for him to catch up and enter the store too. As her eyes adjusted to the slightly dimmer interior, she tried to relax. There was something she was forgetting about this place that had nothing to do with the candy. Still, the candy was a big motivation for being here and she would remember, eventually. 

She and Young split up to look around at the gifts on display. In a far corner, a monk was speaking with an older couple in hushed tones about some of the books on the display. The entire wall beside the three was covered in bookshelves, almost overflowing. The other side of the room had shelves that showcased the local honey, the baked goods, and finally her goal: the chocolate. There was a large, lavish display of the confections that seemed incongruous with the rest of the shop. Still, this is why they had come and she would be damned if something was going to get in her way now.

She walked purposefully to the display and was soon lost in thought. Should she get the box of mixed truffles or go with the assorted wine flavors? Maybe both? Or what about the chocolate covered caramels? Lost in thought, she didn’t notice the older couple complete their transaction and the monk direct his attention to the new customers in the shop.

Young, looking at the honey, heard the sharp inhalation from the monk. He looked curiously at the man dressed in the traditional robes of the order. He was tall and skinny with caramel colored hair cropped closely to his head, the smoothly shaven tonsure indicative of his vows. He had a short beard, it too relatively closely cropped and the caramel color of it was peppered liberally with grey and white. At first glance, he looked rather young, but the deep lines around his eyes coupled with the greying hair suggested his age was likely closer to Emily’s “55 is the new 29” than his own ACTUAL 29 years of age. Still, for someone likely in his mid-40s, the man was in great shape. Despite being somewhat pale, his skin shown with the good health of someone who spent copious amounts of time outdoors, the thinness that had caught his eye initially was misleading, the way that he carried himself indicated that he was stronger than he first appeared.

It was the eyes though that had captured Young’s attention. They were a deep hazel, shining with a brilliance and intelligence that even the plain metal framed glasses couldn’t hide. It was also those that had widened in what looked like shock and recognition. The look had been masked by a pleasantly neutral smile so quickly that he wondered if his own eyes were playing tricks on him. Still, the monk seemed entirely focused on Emily, virtually ignoring his own presence. 

Out of everything he had expected when he entered the store, what happened next was not it. He watched as the monk stepped quietly towards Emily and the candy display. Reaching her side and discovering she was still deeply engrossed in her decision making, the monk placed his hand gently on her arm and said something, too soft for him to hear across the room. Emily startled, dropping the chocolates in her hand to look up at the monk. For a long moment, they remained frozen in that position, him with his hand resting gently on her forearm, and her, staring up at him, before she broke the spell with a whispered word. She wrenched her arm away from his hand and threw herself bodily at him, engulfing him in a hug that he wasn’t sure wasn’t part self defense tackle.

The man simply laughed, the sound ringing like chimes through the quiet of the store. He absorbed the impact of Emily and returned the hug with similar enthusiasm, burying his head deep in her hair. 

Emily was speaking again, louder now, and Young could finally hear what she was saying but didn’t understand a single word. 

“This is where you have been? Here? Goddammit, Spencer, all these years! I’ve missed you. I knew that there was something about this place that I was forgetting,” she said, not so playfully smacking him on the upper arm.

He just smiled serenely at her, “How could you have forgotten I was here? JJ knows, I’m still Godfather to Henry and Michael.”

“JJ left the BAU about 3 years ago,” Emily said. “We haven’t exactly kept in touch. It...it wasn’t a good parting.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the monk said sounding genuinely apologetic. “How is everyone else? I heard about Rossi.”

Emily nodded, brushing the tears that had sprung to her eyes away quickly, “It isn’t the same. JJ left shortly after Rossi, well, after he died. Tara transferred to the New York City field office where she is the unit chief for a BAU team there. Matt and Luke are still on the team, Luke is now the lead profiler. Garcia is now Section Chief for the technical analysts and doing great. She finally married Luke.”

The monk laughed deeply, “Is she happy? She deserves to be happy.”

Young then witnessed something that he never expected, Emily Prentiss giggling, “She is over the moon. Her work no longer requires her to watch obscene amounts of cute panda videos. And we have had several others come and go over the years. Right now the last two slots are newbies, including SSA Kyle Young over there.” She finally acknowledged his presence.

He took the few steps from the honey display to step up to where the other two where still holding on to each other; the monk had a loose arm around Emily’s shoulders while she looked as though she was debating whether or not to engulf him in another hug but simply holding him around the waist until she decided one way or the other. “Hello, Sir. As she said, I’m SSA Kyle Young.” He extended his hand, to shake.

“Stuff it, Young. He doesn’t shake,” Emily said, her smile a bit silly as she looked up at the monk.

“You’d be surprised what I do these days, Em,” he said. He lifted his arm off of Emily’s shoulders, extricating himself from her grasp to clasp Young’s hand. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Agent.”

As the handshake ended, Young looked to Emily for an explanation. The explanation though came from the monk. “What Emily has failed to mention in all of this is my name. Brother Spencer Reid, at your service.”

“Brother Reid,” Young asked tentatively. The name seemed familiar but he couldn’t quite place it. Still, Reid was a common enough surname. Maybe he was one of the people interviewed during the chocolate killer case? “You seem to know Agent Prentiss. May I ask how? You two don’t exactly seem to run in the same circles.”

That caused both Brother Reid and Emily to laugh. “Young, what he left out of his name was a lot of alphabet soup.” She looked back at Brother Reid, “Get any new ones lately?”

He grinned mischievously, “Some. Doesn’t really matter though. Now, are you going to put the poor young agent out of his misery or shall I?”

“I’ll do it, I’ll do it. I’m still his boss. I don’t want you breaking him,” she said still giggling. “Young, this is the former SSA Doctor Spencer Reid of the BAU.”

For a moment, Young’s mind faltered. He knew now why the name had been familiar. Dr Reid was a legend among trainees at the Academy and amongst the agents who aspired to the BAU. He was the youngest ever person to graduate the Academy, recruited directly into the BAU where he served for over 15 years before resigning and dropping off the face of the earth. That had been something like 10 years ago and he was still spoken of in hushed terms. Seriously, this man and his skills were legendary. Rumor had it, he had even killed someone with a headshot just days after failing a gun shoot!

“You are Doctor Reid? Like, for real?” Young said in awe. “I’ve heard so many stories about you.”

The monk simply laughed, “And likely all of them are true. Come, sit down. I’ll make tea and we can talk for a bit.”

“Tea? Not coffee?” Emily asked.

Brother Reid shook his head, “Tea. I stopped drinking coffee a long time ago.”

“I don’t believe it,” she said stubbornly. “I remember a time when you would have needed to have the coffee cup pried from your cold, dead, hands.”

“It has been a long time. I am not the same person I was,” Brother Reid’s eyes seemed to glow even brighter, a peaceful smile gracing his lips. “Now, what brings you to Clarke County and the abbey?” he asked ushering them both towards the counter.

“Well, remember that case we had here a few years back, the poisoned chocolates?” Seeing his nod, Emily continued. “Well, the UNSUB is up for parole and the BAU was asked to come and discuss the profile we had built.”

Brother Reid nodded, “I could never forget that case if I tried. I will be forever indebted to that young man.”

Young looked sharply at the monk. “Indebted?”

“Mmm, were it not for him I don’t know where I would be. Part of me believes that I would have found my way here eventually, but another part wonders if I would have just kept going. That case changed my life and unlike most life-changing cases, this one was for the better.”

Emily looked at him sideways, “Are you sure, Spencer? Really? Don’t you miss the thrill of the cases? The satisfaction of solving the puzzle? In getting justice and saving the victims and potential victims?”

“No,” he said simply. “There are few things that I miss from my life before my vows and that job is not one. Now, the people on the other hand….” he trailed off. “Please know this Emily, I’m happy. This is where I was always meant to be.”

She shook her head, somewhat sadly, “Even though I can see it, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. You...you were always a man of logic and reason. A man of science and facts. That you suddenly found religion and gave up everything for it is just mind boggling. It doesn’t fit!”

“Ah, but that is you assuming that as a man of science, fact, logic, and reason, that I wasn’t always a man of faith as well. Emily, my faith has always been central to my actions and life. I just knew how uncomfortable it made you and several others in the BAU and so I kept it quiet. I didn’t need to wear my religion as a mantle. Just because it was a part of me that I didn’t feel the need or desire to share with all and sundry at the time doesn’t mean it was any less a part of me. Faith and science are absolutely compatible.”

“Yeah, like oil and water are compatible!” she joked.

“If you say,” he said simply. “Now, tea is ready! Agent Young, please, sit, I’d love to get to know you before I must close up the shop.”

The three sat there in conversation, the shop surprisingly quiet, until Brother Reid indicated that it was time to close up so that he could attend evening prayers. As he ushered the pair to the door, he shook hands gladly with the young agent and swept the unit chief into a great hug. He said something quietly to her during that hug. Whatever it was had tears glistening in her eyes that even repeated wiping did nothing to hide. By the time they were in the car and pulling away, the door to the shop had closed and the lights were going out one by one. As the car pulled away from the parking lot, leaving the gift shop and the abbey behind, Emily could no longer pretend that she wasn’t crying. The tears flowed down her cheeks.

“Are you ok, Boss?” Young asked, worry creeping into his voice. He had never seen his stoic boss break down like this before.

“I’m wonderful, Young. I just...I think I’m finally starting to understand him and that makes me love and hate him all that much more.”

“Love and hate who? Doctor Reid? The monk?”

Her laughter was garbled by the tears, ‘Yes, the monk. I think, I think that one day you too will understand. He really is the smartest man I’ve ever met.”

There was really no answer that Young could give to his unit chief and so he kept quiet, silently wishing to understand but content in the moment to let her have her revelation.


End file.
